Friday, 23 May 2008

Quiverfull Sims: A Very Duggar Follow-up

I had intended to give the sim!Duggars a realistic 18 children, but fate (and ACR) intervened and the LORD opened Michell's womb once again and two children of the LORD were born. Jimmy Legs and Jinger (yes I know Jinger is a legitimate Duggar name, but you can't get much funnier than that. I think when Jinger grows up she can birth a quiver of misspelled spices.)

And the LORD did rejoice.

In the meantime, the older Duggar offspring were coming of age and going out into the (immediate) world on their own.

Jigolo Duggar

Jigolo got a job in the politics career track, so he could carry on Jimbob's work of outlawing telescopes, weather balloons, and all other scientific equipment. He purchased a tiny little house, which is all he could afford on the $6000 he moved out with (his portion of the television special money received for the births of #15, #16, #17, #18, and #19 and #20). He set about finding himself a repository for his manly seed, but encountered a problem: all the women in Zoidberg were already married. Jigolo was forced to lower his standards of morality and virtue, and precure himself another man's wife. He met Dominique Kelso, who wore midriff baring tops, had a career in law enforcement and had a husband and three children.

Jigolo bested Dominique's husband William in a bout of fisty-cuffs.

It had the desired effect and Dominique sent William packing. Dominique got custody of their daughter Amelia, while William kept Billy and Trinity.

Amelia didn't take the news well. Aww.

Life went on, and Jigolo turned his attention towards advancing his career so that they could buy wallpaper, and expanding his Quiver with Dominique. Unfortunately, Dominique was nearing the end of her fertile years and the LORD was not blessing them with children (I guess He doesn't give His gifts to adulterers and career women).
Eventually Jigolo had provided his family with wallpaper and a telephone, and the LORD rewarded him for his hard work. Soon the family were blessed with a baby: Mary Duggar. Dominique had virtually no chance of conceiving again, so Jigolo decided to maximise his Quiver by moving in Dominique's ex-husband and two children. This had the bonus effect of gaining control of William's substantial fortunes.

Jorja Duggar

Joey Joe Joe Duggar

Juno Duggar

Joker Duggar

Joker changed his name to Toker, purchased a pimpy leisure suit, got a small house, a job in the slacker career track, and promptly died.

Oh well, plenty more where he came from. On to the next Duggarspawn.

Jam Sandwich Duggar
Jam Sandwich changed her name to Kate

Joystick Duggar

(Another sim post that was left unfinished for 2 years. I guess I didn't have time to put in the photos so I left it for another day that never came. Oh well, publishing anyway!)

Sunday, 11 May 2008

We're gonna need a bigger quiver

So did you hear? The Duggars are expecting their 18th little arrow!
In honour of this occasion, I decided to try for a bloated quiver of my own. No, I didn't go out and get myself knocked up (in fact the mere thought of Mrs. Duggar's poor overworked uterus makes me instinctively cross my legs), I did what I always do: create a new sim family!

Meet Jimbob and Michelle Duggar. The newlyweds purchase a block of land and build a simple home. They don't yet have a large brood of children so they have no significant income, so they can't afford any luxuries, like comfy sofas, curtains, or floor coverings.

But they are pious people, and each night Michelle receives Jimbob's Godstick into her shame cave and accepts his righteous seed, and soon the children start coming.
Four children so far (Jigolo, Jorja, Joey Joe Joe, and Juno) and one on the way. Hang in there Michelle: you just need to birth eight or nine and then the oldest can raise the youngest! Note that their bank balance is $4 and they only have one crib.

Prematurely, the girls seem to be born with bags under their eyes. They haven't even been buddied up or assigned jurisdictions yet.

Come now Jorja, Joker, Joey Joe Joe and Jigolo, Mama and Daddy are busy doing God's work.
Jigolo chats with a passing neighbour girl. With a nice biblical name like Naomi he expected her to be the type of girl he might bring home to his parents, but then she had to go mention the evil that is television. Jimbob looks on disapprovingly. (Later when I wasn't looking Jigolo and Naomi woohooed in his parents' bed. Naomi, though only 14, is married with a baby daughter. Sin in the camp!)

The children keep coming, and soon Jimbob and Michelle are 14 children and pregnant again! With the birth of number fifteen, Joyless Childhood, they hit payday and receive $50 000 in charitable donations and media appearance fees. They finally can afford floorboards, windows, and most importantly: a home church.
Bible time with Daddy: the highlight of the Duggar day. Jimbob vows to storm the whitehouse to ban contraception and introduce legislation that would redefine the moment life begins as the instant you consider having sexual intercourse. Also, to smite the homosexuals.

The Duggars receive payouts for #16, #17, and #18, and they are finally able to afford a bed for each child and even some toys for the boys.
They finish up with eleven boys and seven girls: Jigolo, Jorja, Joey Joe Joe, Juno, Joker, Jam Sandwich, Joystick, Judgement, Jherkin, Jurisdiction, Juggar, Jeorge, Jilliterate, Joyless Marriage, Joyless Childhood, Jackpot, JonBenet, and J'Probably Gay.

(Yes, I know Joyless Marriage and Joyless Childhood are pretty similar, but that never stopped the Duggars. Joseph and Josiah? Joy-Anna and Johannah?)

So now I have a house of twenty sims that are all kind of ugly. Maybe I should introduce a deadly virus and have a game of Sim Survivor: Arkansas.

Friday, 2 May 2008

More than most people, even

I'm sitting on an uncomfortable old rickety desk chair in my bathrobe watching Fargo. I'm on this crappy chair because Elly May pissed all over my nice leather fullback desk chair and although it's been disinfected and aired in the sun, I still don't trust it. (Worst thing was that I was sitting in the chair at the time. Eloise was sitting on the back of the chair facing away from me, the puppy frightened her and she let loose all over my back. ) I'm in my robe because all my clothes are in the dryer, and I'm watching Fargo because you don't need a reason to watch Fargo. Darn tootin'!

Hooker: Well, the little guy was kinda funny-lookin'.
Marge Gunderson: In what way?
Hooker: I dunno, just funny-lookin'.
Marge Gunderson: Can you be any more specific?
Hooker: I couldn't really say. He wasn't circumcised.
Marge Gunderson: Was he funny lookin' apart from that?
Hooker: Yah...

Steve Buscemi: Funny Lookin'.

There has been a recurring theme at our Sunday family dinners: what to do about our old dog Chloe (and when to do it). I don't like the way things are currently being handled, with everyone just in complete denial and with my dad yelling if the subject gets brought up (I guess he's more comfortable with anger than with sadness), but when my mother asked me if I thought it was time for her to be put down I suddenly became very worried that they would act on my concerns. I think my dilemma is that I feel I am the only one in the family to see that she is in pain most of the time and so I feel I have to be her advocate, but at the same time I don't want to be responsible for making the final decision. I want the roles to be reversed, with my parents having to convince me it's time while I resent them for their heartlessness. Our family has never had a geriatric pet before. None of us are handling it well.

Little Pisspot and the old girl spending some quality time together. I think I have something in my eye. *sniff*

I got roped into doing Meals on Wheels today. All-volunteer workforce, my arse. I did get a nifty petrol voucher and got to listen to old people stories and crazy folk rants, so that's something.
You betcha'.

So there went my relaxing day. I had work in the morning, a meeting, then I was going to laze around for a few hours, maybe play a little sims, do a little lesson planning, bake some muffins for my suddenly adorable students, then head off to the school to meet with my mentor and organise my weekly planner for next week. Instead I got to my meeting and was recruited for MoW, rushed around town to stop in on aforementioned feebs and crazies, then rushed home, shoved a pikelet in my mouth, rushed over to the school, and ended up there until 7 pm.

As my final year goes on (quickly, it seems. I can't believe it's already May!) I am caught between feeling very scared of the impending job hunt and loss of the structured life that is university and feeling restless to begin the next stage. It's both exilerating and terrifying to think that this time next year I could be teaching my own class and closing escrow on my own place. But before that I have to study hard, graduate, apply for jobs, be rejected from many job applications, persevere, make a fool of myself in interviews, drown my sorrows, take constructive criticism, work on my weakness, and somehow succeed. That sounds like a lot of work, so instead I have focussed on glory boxing. Last week, table lamps. This week, who knows. Chopping boards? Draining rack? Bed?

And now for something completely different: two sims gossiping about a mutual friend. Watch the hand movements. They totally make the 'faygele' gesture.